Source: CCN 精彩大马
When most parents find out that their child is stealing, their initial reaction is usually anger. Occasionally, parents would even take their child to the police station. A question arises, what would be the most effective solution to solve this issue?
Clinical psychologist Ms. Lee Li Li shared that parents are always surprised and distressed by their child’s stealing behavior, especially during their first offense. She mentioned that most parents would punish their children in very severe ways, such as beating and scolding, or even taking their children to the police station because they were worried that their child would commit crime in the future.
"Parents usually focus on the serious consequences of child’s stealing, and it is difficult for them to calm down and analyse the motive and reason of such behavior. When children are asked about their motive or reason, it is difficult for them to explain themselves too. Otherwise, they refuse to speak out because of fear or disdain. Or they would answer, ‘I don’t know’.”
She said that when this happens, parents need to rely on themselves or seek help from a third party to find out the true motive of the child's stealing in order to identify the right solution. She further elaborated that, the more the parents punish their child blindly, the worse their relationships will be. Parents and child will not be able to understand each other, causing greater conflicts. As a result, it pushes the child into more serious behavioral and psychological problems.
“Other than growing up healthily, children also require growing up in adversities. We are human and we all make mistakes, right?”
She said that although some children score perfectly in their moral education test as they know that stealing is wrong, this does not guarantee that they will not steal other people's things in real life.
She emphasized that parents must not regard the child’s first stealing act as a crime, nor should the stealing be equated with having moral problems, because this is a problem with upbringing. With that being said, it is crucial to find out the motives of the child's stealing.
Clinical psychologist Ms. Li Li shared that when a child steals, it can be seen from the following points:
1. Lack of Knowledge and Understanding
It is normal for a young child (3-5 years old) to take something which excites his or her interest. This should not be regarded as stealing until the youngster is old enough, usually five years old and above, to understand that taking something which belongs to another person is wrong.
Of course, we cannot only just focus on the age, but also look at the child’s cognitive ability, IQ and whether we have used to correct way to instil the concept of items’ ownership in the child. The child may also take something from a store simply because they lack knowledge or concept that “money can buy goods”.
2. Incorrect family education
(A) Permissive parenting: Children’s moral level is at the stage of heteronomy, and they lack moral judgment. If the parents do not correct it on the spot, the children will no longer have right or wrong standards in their minds. When they are at home, they will take everything they want without thinking, and they do not know that it is not right to take their parents’ or others’ belongings without asking.
(B) Authoritarian parenting: Children have a strong obedience mentality and tend to hope that they can have what other children have. If parents are too strict with their children and do not educate and explain their demands; instead, reject them strictly, it is likely that the children will steal money in order to buy what they want, or using other ways to fulfil their desire “secretly”.
3. Attention Seeking
Children who are aged 5 or older usually steal for attention seeking. In these situations, the child may steal in order to get their parents’ attention, even if they know that their parents will get angry with them, they will still continue to do so.
4. Poor Impulse Control
Elementary and middle-school-age children often struggle with impulse control, they may desire for nice items in which they cannot afford. During this time, their desire for the items may override their understanding of the stealing consequences. Therefore, they may quickly put an object they want into their pockets or school bags without considering the consequences.
5. Peer Pressure
Sometimes, elementary and middle-school students may be instigated by their peer. Hence, a child may steal as a show of bravery to friends or in order to get more friends. At other times, children steal because they want to have nice items as their peers, and also to get acknowledged by their peers.
6. Mental Health
If stealing continues or is present in a child with other problematic behaviors or symptoms (e.g. fighting or lying), the stealing may be a sign of more serious problems in the child's emotional development or problems in the family. Stealing that is present with other problematic behaviors or symptoms is a sign of resisting authority. If the problematic behavior is not dealt effectively at this age (elementary and middle-school age children), they might face legal consequences during adulthood.
Children who repeatedly steal may also have difficulty trusting others and forming close relationships. Rather than feeling guilty, they may blame the behavior on others, arguing that, “Since they refuse to give me what I need, I will take it.” These children would benefit from an evaluation by a mental health provider (e.g. child psychiatrist or clinical psychologist).
Ms. Lee Li Li added, in short, if parents lose control of their emotions, they will lose the opportunity to educate their children.
When asked how parents should respond to their child’s stealing, Ms. Li Li said that parents can respond based on the following five points.
1. Emphasize Honesty
Have frequent conversations about honesty can go a long way to prevent lying and stealing. Provide your child with a less serious consequence when they tell the truth and give them plenty of praise when they are honest about misdeeds.
Parents are role models as well, hence they must also be honest. If a parent brags to the child about a mistake at the supermarket checkout counter, the lesson about honesty will be a lot harder for your child to understand.
2. Teach Children the Respect for Property
Parents can help a young child understand ownership by making them responsible for their belongings. For example: (1) talk about the importance of treating toys gently; (2) create rules around respect that ensure everyone asks before borrowing items; (3) discuss the importance of taking good care of borrowed items and returning them to their owner.
3. Return Stolen Goods
If you catch your child with stolen items, insist that they promptly return the stolen goods and apologize to the victim. You might help your child write an apology letter or make an apology card, hand them over when you accompany your child to the store to return the stolen items. Furthermore, older children can work to earn some money in order to pay back the store owner.
4. Behavior reinforcement
Reinforcements such as rewards and punishments are a way to correct behaviors. If the child manages to not steal within the prescribed period of time, the parents may reward the child. This is called positive reinforcement, a way to encourage the child to maintain their “not stealing” condition.
On the other hand, if a child steals again within this period, access to items and activity restrictions should be imposed to prevent them from stealing. When using rewards and punishments, parents need to pay special attention to the impact of the environment. For example, parents and other family members must be consistent.
5. Role modelling
The way to correct a young child’s stealing behavior is through the way of role modelling. Role models have the characteristics of a figure or an influencer. Parents’ own behavior is a demonstration, and parents’ good behavioral norms will have a subtle influence.
If parents have the behavior of being dishonest, they will take company items home, such as ball pens or paper, these are bad demonstrations. In addition, when visiting the supermarket, some parents will ask their child who are eager to eat snacks to open the package and eat them directly and pay the opened snack packaging and together with other. This type of “eat first and pay later” behavior can mislead children.
When asked what the consequences are if parents send their child to the police station, she replied, it is not advisable to do so, as it does not solve the root of the problem. Moreover, each child has different personality, such actions might impact them differently as well. For instance, such actions will cause trauma in introverts or children with poor social skills. On the other hand, Ms. Li Li said, some children will steal because they suffer from pathological stealing. Generally, pathological stealing is related to family education and personal experiences. It is commonly seen in females, with those aged between 17-20 years old are more prevalent.
She stated that the treatment to young children/teenagers pathological stealing is different form the adults. Young children/teenagers pathological stealing is mainly focused on education and supplemented by therapy. Effective treatment is as follow:
(A) Parent-child relationship and communication
Be understanding and considerate to avoid confrontation. Parents should learn to give up on emotional and ineffective accusations. They should learn to recognize the lack of care for their children in the past, and change to the humanities education methods that understands, guides and supports children to reform, which can help children get out of the stealing behavior. This would improve the parent-child relationship and relieve the child’s feeling of helplessness.
Parent-child communication is changed to mutual agreement, and behavior management is reinforced by positive reinforcement. Parents and children discuss the behavior management plan together and formulate specific requirements to decrease and extend the cycle based on the number of stealing acts in the past. If it meets the requirements, parents should provide the rewards in time, give positive comments and sign on the paper. As for rewards, try to avoid materialistic items and switch to healthy activities that children enjoy. If it is materialistic rewards, it can be based on the food that the child likes.
If parents are unable to intervene to help their children, they can seek assistance and guidance from experienced mental health professionals.
(B) Instilling life and humanistic education
As children grow up, it is important to instil correct and positive life values. Correct and positive life values allow children to learn distinguishing right from wrong and avoid deviant behaviors. Allow children to come into contact with life education, recognize, understand and life live accordingly. Developing life skills is also important, the more they learn, the more they are able to contribute and help others and gain confidence and joy from it. This is something valuable that stealing cannot be replaced.
(C) Professional treatment to improve the function of brain and nervous system
If the parent’s disciplinary strategy fails to stop the child’s stealing, it is necessary to seek further help from a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. Mental health specialists can help children find the root cause of stealing, help parents and children develop strategies to stop stealing behaviors.
According to the child's different age, IQ, EQ, level of anxiety or depression, the psychologist or psychiatrist will determine the appropriate treatment method according to the child’s degree of pathological stealing and causes of it. Medication is rarely used in young children, and more commonly used in adolescent patients.
The impact of stealing on the children and society
Ms. Li Li commented, stealing causes a whole bunch of problems. Suppose a child sees a pen in a store and decides to take it. If he gets caught, the store owner might say he’s not allowed in the store again. The owner might tell his parents. He may have to give money to pay for the pen and the police could be called because stealing (including shoplifting) is a crime. He could be arrested, especially if he has stolen before, and that could lead to even more problems.
“He may have to go to court and accept some sort of punishment, such as having to serve in the community to make up for what he has done.”
She mentioned, whoever is stealing is probably nervous during the act itself. If a kid gets away with it, he may be relieved at first. Later, he feels lousy because he knows what he did was wrong. He also might be afraid that someone will discover his secret, and he'll want to deny it. But lying will only make matters worse.
She pointed out that children who get caught might be really embarrassed. They may feel ashamed because they let their family down.
“They may feel like nobody trusts them anymore. They might feel stupid and worried. What if they go to jail? What if their favorite teacher finds out? What if they lose their friends?” She said that even if some children do not feel the above emotions, stealing is still wrong as it will have a negative impact on the society for the following reasons:
She added perhaps, stealing will bring legal consequences for the child. Stealing is a crime, and its consequences go far beyond apologies and fines. The child may also be detained in a juvenile reformatory or prison.
Source: CCN 精彩大马
When most parents find out that their child is stealing, their initial reaction is usually anger. Occasionally, parents would even take their child to the police station. A question arises, what would be the most effective solution to solve this issue?
Clinical psychologist Ms. Lee Li Li shared that parents are always surprised and distressed by their child’s stealing behavior, especially during their first offense. She mentioned that most parents would punish their children in very severe ways, such as beating and scolding, or even taking their children to the police station because they were worried that their child would commit crime in the future.
"Parents usually focus on the serious consequences of child’s stealing, and it is difficult for them to calm down and analyse the motive and reason of such behavior. When children are asked about their motive or reason, it is difficult for them to explain themselves too. Otherwise, they refuse to speak out because of fear or disdain. Or they would answer, ‘I don’t know’.”
She said that when this happens, parents need to rely on themselves or seek help from a third party to find out the true motive of the child's stealing in order to identify the right solution. She further elaborated that, the more the parents punish their child blindly, the worse their relationships will be. Parents and child will not be able to understand each other, causing greater conflicts. As a result, it pushes the child into more serious behavioral and psychological problems.
“Other than growing up healthily, children also require growing up in adversities. We are human and we all make mistakes, right?”
She said that although some children score perfectly in their moral education test as they know that stealing is wrong, this does not guarantee that they will not steal other people's things in real life.
She emphasized that parents must not regard the child’s first stealing act as a crime, nor should the stealing be equated with having moral problems, because this is a problem with upbringing. With that being said, it is crucial to find out the motives of the child's stealing.
Clinical psychologist Ms. Li Li shared that when a child steals, it can be seen from the following points:
1. Lack of Knowledge and Understanding
It is normal for a young child (3-5 years old) to take something which excites his or her interest. This should not be regarded as stealing until the youngster is old enough, usually five years old and above, to understand that taking something which belongs to another person is wrong.
Of course, we cannot only just focus on the age, but also look at the child’s cognitive ability, IQ and whether we have used to correct way to instil the concept of items’ ownership in the child. The child may also take something from a store simply because they lack knowledge or concept that “money can buy goods”.
2. Incorrect family education
(A) Permissive parenting: Children’s moral level is at the stage of heteronomy, and they lack moral judgment. If the parents do not correct it on the spot, the children will no longer have right or wrong standards in their minds. When they are at home, they will take everything they want without thinking, and they do not know that it is not right to take their parents’ or others’ belongings without asking.
(B) Authoritarian parenting: Children have a strong obedience mentality and tend to hope that they can have what other children have. If parents are too strict with their children and do not educate and explain their demands; instead, reject them strictly, it is likely that the children will steal money in order to buy what they want, or using other ways to fulfil their desire “secretly”.
3. Attention Seeking
Children who are aged 5 or older usually steal for attention seeking. In these situations, the child may steal in order to get their parents’ attention, even if they know that their parents will get angry with them, they will still continue to do so.
4. Poor Impulse Control
Elementary and middle-school-age children often struggle with impulse control, they may desire for nice items in which they cannot afford. During this time, their desire for the items may override their understanding of the stealing consequences. Therefore, they may quickly put an object they want into their pockets or school bags without considering the consequences.
5. Peer Pressure
Sometimes, elementary and middle-school students may be instigated by their peer. Hence, a child may steal as a show of bravery to friends or in order to get more friends. At other times, children steal because they want to have nice items as their peers, and also to get acknowledged by their peers.
6. Mental Health
If stealing continues or is present in a child with other problematic behaviors or symptoms (e.g. fighting or lying), the stealing may be a sign of more serious problems in the child's emotional development or problems in the family. Stealing that is present with other problematic behaviors or symptoms is a sign of resisting authority. If the problematic behavior is not dealt effectively at this age (elementary and middle-school age children), they might face legal consequences during adulthood.
Children who repeatedly steal may also have difficulty trusting others and forming close relationships. Rather than feeling guilty, they may blame the behavior on others, arguing that, “Since they refuse to give me what I need, I will take it.” These children would benefit from an evaluation by a mental health provider (e.g. child psychiatrist or clinical psychologist).
Ms. Lee Li Li added, in short, if parents lose control of their emotions, they will lose the opportunity to educate their children.
When asked how parents should respond to their child’s stealing, Ms. Li Li said that parents can respond based on the following five points.
1. Emphasize Honesty
Have frequent conversations about honesty can go a long way to prevent lying and stealing. Provide your child with a less serious consequence when they tell the truth and give them plenty of praise when they are honest about misdeeds.
Parents are role models as well, hence they must also be honest. If a parent brags to the child about a mistake at the supermarket checkout counter, the lesson about honesty will be a lot harder for your child to understand.
2. Teach Children the Respect for Property
Parents can help a young child understand ownership by making them responsible for their belongings. For example: (1) talk about the importance of treating toys gently; (2) create rules around respect that ensure everyone asks before borrowing items; (3) discuss the importance of taking good care of borrowed items and returning them to their owner.
3. Return Stolen Goods
If you catch your child with stolen items, insist that they promptly return the stolen goods and apologize to the victim. You might help your child write an apology letter or make an apology card, hand them over when you accompany your child to the store to return the stolen items. Furthermore, older children can work to earn some money in order to pay back the store owner.
4. Behavior reinforcement
Reinforcements such as rewards and punishments are a way to correct behaviors. If the child manages to not steal within the prescribed period of time, the parents may reward the child. This is called positive reinforcement, a way to encourage the child to maintain their “not stealing” condition.
On the other hand, if a child steals again within this period, access to items and activity restrictions should be imposed to prevent them from stealing. When using rewards and punishments, parents need to pay special attention to the impact of the environment. For example, parents and other family members must be consistent.
5. Role modelling
The way to correct a young child’s stealing behavior is through the way of role modelling. Role models have the characteristics of a figure or an influencer. Parents’ own behavior is a demonstration, and parents’ good behavioral norms will have a subtle influence.
If parents have the behavior of being dishonest, they will take company items home, such as ball pens or paper, these are bad demonstrations. In addition, when visiting the supermarket, some parents will ask their child who are eager to eat snacks to open the package and eat them directly and pay the opened snack packaging and together with other. This type of “eat first and pay later” behavior can mislead children.
When asked what the consequences are if parents send their child to the police station, she replied, it is not advisable to do so, as it does not solve the root of the problem. Moreover, each child has different personality, such actions might impact them differently as well. For instance, such actions will cause trauma in introverts or children with poor social skills. On the other hand, Ms. Li Li said, some children will steal because they suffer from pathological stealing. Generally, pathological stealing is related to family education and personal experiences. It is commonly seen in females, with those aged between 17-20 years old are more prevalent.
- Pathological stealing is rare, it usually starts from childhood or adolescence.
- This type of stealing behavior is uncontrollable and unpredictable, as it happens repeatedly.
- Stealing is not to express anger or revenge, nor it is affected by delusions or hallucinations.
- Stealing cannot by explained by conduct disorder, manic episode or antisocial personality disorder.
- Patients with pathological stealing differ from ordinary thieves. The ordinary thieves steal for money and survival, but the patient steals to gain psychological satisfaction.
She stated that the treatment to young children/teenagers pathological stealing is different form the adults. Young children/teenagers pathological stealing is mainly focused on education and supplemented by therapy. Effective treatment is as follow:
(A) Parent-child relationship and communication
Be understanding and considerate to avoid confrontation. Parents should learn to give up on emotional and ineffective accusations. They should learn to recognize the lack of care for their children in the past, and change to the humanities education methods that understands, guides and supports children to reform, which can help children get out of the stealing behavior. This would improve the parent-child relationship and relieve the child’s feeling of helplessness.
Parent-child communication is changed to mutual agreement, and behavior management is reinforced by positive reinforcement. Parents and children discuss the behavior management plan together and formulate specific requirements to decrease and extend the cycle based on the number of stealing acts in the past. If it meets the requirements, parents should provide the rewards in time, give positive comments and sign on the paper. As for rewards, try to avoid materialistic items and switch to healthy activities that children enjoy. If it is materialistic rewards, it can be based on the food that the child likes.
If parents are unable to intervene to help their children, they can seek assistance and guidance from experienced mental health professionals.
(B) Instilling life and humanistic education
As children grow up, it is important to instil correct and positive life values. Correct and positive life values allow children to learn distinguishing right from wrong and avoid deviant behaviors. Allow children to come into contact with life education, recognize, understand and life live accordingly. Developing life skills is also important, the more they learn, the more they are able to contribute and help others and gain confidence and joy from it. This is something valuable that stealing cannot be replaced.
(C) Professional treatment to improve the function of brain and nervous system
If the parent’s disciplinary strategy fails to stop the child’s stealing, it is necessary to seek further help from a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. Mental health specialists can help children find the root cause of stealing, help parents and children develop strategies to stop stealing behaviors.
According to the child's different age, IQ, EQ, level of anxiety or depression, the psychologist or psychiatrist will determine the appropriate treatment method according to the child’s degree of pathological stealing and causes of it. Medication is rarely used in young children, and more commonly used in adolescent patients.
The impact of stealing on the children and society
Ms. Li Li commented, stealing causes a whole bunch of problems. Suppose a child sees a pen in a store and decides to take it. If he gets caught, the store owner might say he’s not allowed in the store again. The owner might tell his parents. He may have to give money to pay for the pen and the police could be called because stealing (including shoplifting) is a crime. He could be arrested, especially if he has stolen before, and that could lead to even more problems.
“He may have to go to court and accept some sort of punishment, such as having to serve in the community to make up for what he has done.”
She mentioned, whoever is stealing is probably nervous during the act itself. If a kid gets away with it, he may be relieved at first. Later, he feels lousy because he knows what he did was wrong. He also might be afraid that someone will discover his secret, and he'll want to deny it. But lying will only make matters worse.
She pointed out that children who get caught might be really embarrassed. They may feel ashamed because they let their family down.
“They may feel like nobody trusts them anymore. They might feel stupid and worried. What if they go to jail? What if their favorite teacher finds out? What if they lose their friends?” She said that even if some children do not feel the above emotions, stealing is still wrong as it will have a negative impact on the society for the following reasons:
- Stealing causes a big problem for a family when the thief is caught.
- Store owners have to spend more money to protect their things, which makes prices go up for paying customers.
- Kids sometimes don’t trust each other with their belongings.
- People don’t feel as safe when they're worried about someone stealing.
- Stealing can even lead to violence. Some kids carry weapons to protect themselves from other kids who may want to take their jewellery or clothing. This can lead to even more problems.
She added perhaps, stealing will bring legal consequences for the child. Stealing is a crime, and its consequences go far beyond apologies and fines. The child may also be detained in a juvenile reformatory or prison.
Source: CCN 精彩大马
