Date: December 18th, 2021 (Saturday), 8:30 p.m. Speaker: Consultant psychologist, Ms. Lee Li Li
Teenagers experience changes both mentally and physically as they grow older. Psychologically, teenagers begin to develop their independence; while physiologically, the increase of hormone secretion may contribute to their mood swings. Based on these changes, it's vital that parents learn to adapt to the changes in their child's behaviours as they grow up. According to Erik Erikson's stages of psychosocial development, rebellion is an important stage for teenagers to explore "identity" and their sense of self, which involves the process of constant exploration and trying different roles. If teenagers do not make a conscious search for identity or are pressured to conform to their parents' ideas for the future, they may develop a weak sense of self and experience role confusion.
| Stage (age) | Psycho-social crisis | Psycho-social virtue |
| Infant (0-1) | Trust vs mistrust | Hope |
| Toddler (2-3) | Autonomy vs shame and doubt | Will, determination |
| Pre-schooler (3-6) | Initiative vs guilt | Purpose, courage |
| School-age child (7-12 or so) | Industry vs inferiority | Competence |
| Adolescence (12-18 or so) | Identity vs role confusion | Fidelity, loyalty |
| Young adult (the 20's) | Intimacy vs isolation | Love |
| Middle adult (late 20's-50's) | Generativity vs self-absorption | Care |
| Old adult | Integrity vs despair | Wisdom |
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Table 1: Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development |
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Parents who want to 'get along' with their teenagers need to pay attention to TWO things:
1. Communication Skills
Teenagers differ from children; they begin to have more of their ideas and a sense of independence. Therefore, parents may have to master listening skills and reduce lecturing by following "6:4 rules". With "more listening" and "less lecturing", it also helps teenagers to see the parents' effort in trying to understand them.
| 6 | 4 | |
| Listening | Lecturing | |
| Actions | Talking | |
| Feelings | Lecturing | |
| Express Intentions | Tell Consequences | |
| Advices/Opinions (as Friend) | Set Rules (as Elder) | |
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Table 2: "6:4 Rules" |
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Dealing with teenagers who refuse to communicate, the trigger factor may be lacking of effective communication and listening. To improve communication, parents may show your concerns through short conversation. If there's no response, parents may consider showing your care through actions to improve parent-child communication.
On the other hand, parents may try to express your feelings. For example, parents may express your concerns and worries instead of lecturing him/her for being home late. Or, parents may discuss and advice the teenagers instead of setting too many rules. For instance, parents may start with listening to the reason for being home late and give advice accordingly. As teenagers grow older, parents may use growth mindset phrases, which not only provide encouragements and give affirmation to teenagers, as well as allowing room for growth.
| Say This | Not That | |
| "I can see you work so hard on this!" | "You are so smart!" | |
| "It seems like it's time to try a new strategy." | "It's okay. Maybe you're just not good at this!" | |
| "I like your performance today." | "You're a natural at that!" | |
| "It looks like that was too easy for you. Let's find you something challenging for you." | "That's right! You did that so quickly and easily, great job!" | |
| "You're not doing right yet, do you have other ways to do? | "That's not right. Are you paying attention? It seems like you're not even trying." | |
| "That was really hard. Your effort has paid off! Next time you'll be ready for this kind of challenge." | "That was really hard. I'm so glad it's over and you don't have to do that again." | |
| "You've worked so hard to become a good writer. You should challenge yourself with an advanced class, and learn something that you don't know yet." | "You have a real talent for writing. You should take a creative writing class because you're so good at it." | |
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Table 3: Growth Mindset Communication |
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2. Decentralise
- Autonomy: Less commanding words and communicate with your teenager as an equal to them, such as expressing your intentions and feelings, giving advice/opinions, etc.
- Expressing and Decision Making: Regarding family events, such as moving, travel, meal preparation and so on, might as well let teenagers participate in the decision-making by allowing them to express their feelings and opinions.
- Privacy: Learn to respect teenagers' privacy, parents may express your care, but be aware to avoid invading their privacy, which may cause negative impacts.
Please feel free to click the link below to listen to the full interview.
Note: The above content was transcript from our December 18th, 2021, "TWO Common Mistakes Parents Make with Teenagers". Kindly contact our office if you would like to learn more or seek consultation. Thank you.
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